Sometimes I find myself thinking of Shane’s mom. It was seventh grade, or at least I’m sure it was seventh grade because I specifically remember my seventh grade social studies teacher coming up to me and wishing my mom well. That was also the year my mom was in and out of the hospital, staying for months at a time because the doctors didn’t quite know what was wrong. That was also the year I came home and found her on the bathroom floor clutching her chest in pain. That was also the year she had to have open heart surgery; the year I thought she was going to die. I remember my math teacher, Mr. Dixon telling us in class that Shane’s mother had died and that he was coming back to school the next day and we should support him. I was so ready to go up to him and give my condolences and even say I know how it feels to not have a mom because I didn’t see mine as much anymore. But when he came in and everyone went up to comfort him, I hung back because I was suddenly afraid that what happened to Shane would happen to me; that I would be the one who everyone looks at with pity because my mom was dead. I choked up and had no idea what to say to this boy that didn’t have a mom and I wanted so badly to tell him it would be okay because we could share my mom. I didn’t quite know what to say and the more I thought of what to say, the more time had passed and I felt like I had run out of time to tell him how sorry I was. To this day I sometimes look back and wonder what would have happened if I had had the courage to speak to him and offer my apologies. Maybe we could have been best friends and I would have made him feel less sad because sometimes, I wish I had had someone to make me feel less sad. Who knows what would have happened; the what-ifs are endless but even so sometimes they creep up on me and I think of that day when I found out his mom had died and how I was afraid to speak to him. I even feel guilty knowing that maybe if I had said something to him, I could have helped him in some small way. So even though it took years to get here, Shane, I’m really sorry for your loss.
